Haru Haru Dangerous BL Investigations
by messedupfruitsrotten
Summary: Seme and Tachi? Uke and neko? What's that? 8059? D18? 6927? What do these numbers mean? Haru dives in, investigating boys love pairings in the KHR fandom. Complete crack? No. Half-way crack? Probably. It's humor with a side of humor! R
1. Chapter 1: Reborn BL Basics

**A/N: Wassup, reader? This is just a silly thing I threw together. I wrote it without glancing over it. I tried to keep all the characters pretty IC and I'm not sure if I'll make another one, but there are tons of weird things about this and different from what I usually write. One: It's in present tense. Two: All the characters are pretty IC so it's low on the BL moments. Three: Plotless, boderline crackfic. This is one fic where even if you pointed out mistakes to me, I wouldn't care xD It's fun. I would like if people wrote their own versions of Haru Haru BL Investigations (maybe with a bit more OOCness?) just because I think it's a fun idea. Read and review please~ :)**

* * *

"Hello, everyone!" Haru says while dressed up in her usual Haru Haru Interview outfit. She flashes a peace sign and beams. "Welcome to Haru Haru Dangerous~ BL Investigations! A segment where we delve into the mysteries of Katekyouishi Hitman Reborn pairings: Boy Love Edition!" She hears footsteps offset. "Oh, here comes our first guest now!"

Tsuna slowly and confusedly walks onto the stage next to Haru. "Uh, what's going on?" He asks.

Haru only smiles. "Tsuna-san! Welcome! So, Haru's first question is what do you think about Kaekyo Hitman Reborn BL shipping?"

Tsuna's face scrunches up and he raises an eyebrow. "BL… shipping…?"

"Like… yaoi."

"Yaoi? Isn't that stuff girls like when guys—" Tsuna blushes, unable to finish his sentence.

"Yep!" Haru says happily. "Girls pair you with tons of guys (though everyone knows you belong to Haru!)"

Tsuna is taken aback. "Wh-what?" He gasps.

"Yeah! You're paired most often with Hibari-san, Mukuro-san, Gokudera-kun, and tons of other guys. In fact, you've probably been paired with every character in the series, but that's normal for main characters."

"Huh?" Tsuna retorts. "There's nothing normal about any of this!" He frowned deeply.

"So," Haru begins, completely ignoring Tsuna's disgust. "which male character is your favorite partner?"

"Favorite… partner…?" He narrows his eyebrows. "None! I'd much rather be with a girl! (Well, not just any girl… a specific one…)"

Haru's face burns red and she waves at Tsuna. "Oh, Tsuna-san! We all know Haru's your number one—"

Tsuna gawks at her. 'I was never talking about you…' He thinks.

"—But Haru means if you _had_ to choose a male partner!" Haru shouts.

Tsuna scratches his cheek. "It's still a weird question." He insists, but Haru puts her hands on her hips and stares him down.

"You know," She starts. "Not to accuse you of anything, Tsuna-san, but most men confident in their heterosexuality can easily answer this question!"

Tsuna gulps. "F-Fine! Uh… I guess… well, Hibari-san is violent, so no. Mukuro is scary and Gokudera-kun would probably be overprotective and clingy so not him, right? I guess… Yamamoto?"

"You would date Yamamoto-san?" Haru asks excitedly.

"Wait," Tsuna says. "Hm, maybe not. If we went out, all he'd talk about would be baseball, wouldn't it?"

Haru groans. "Then who would you choose, Tsuna-san?"

"Let's see…" He says. "I wouldn't want any of my enemies, so that lowers it down to my allies only. Dino-san is too old and too much like a brother for that type of thing and Ryohei-nii-san is too loud and annoying…"

*1 hour later*

Haru is snoring with drool hanging out her mouth. Tsuna's eye light up and his fist pounds into his other hand's palm. "Oh!" He calls out. "I've decided!"

Haru jolts awake, eyes wide with anxiousness. "Hahi? Who?"

Tsuna grins and innocently says, "If I had to date a guy, I'd probably go out and find someone we don't know since everyone is kind of…"

"Tsuna-san…" Haru says with a frown. "I think you missed the point of the question entirely."

Suddenly (!) Tsuna is kicked to the ground making Haru cry out and the crew to become startled. The dust from the powerful attack clears to reveal Reborn standing on top of Tsuna's defeated body. "Ciaossu."

"Ah!" Haru says. "It's Reborn-san who is most often paired with Lambo-chan I believe."

"Who?" Reborn asks, but before Haru can respond Tsuna shouts, "What the hell, Reborn?"

Reborn grab s him by the nose causing Tsuna to whine and cry.

"Dame-Tsuna," Reborn says. "What guy in this series would want to date a loser like you anyway?"

"Oh, Reborn-san." Haru says. "What do you think of BL shipping?"

"Nothing." Reborn answers honestly while letting go of Tsuna's nose.

"O-oh… Well, if you had to be paired with a male who would you choose?" Haru asks, slightly surprised by Reborn's answer to her first question.

Reborn smirks and goes into a spotlight. "Myself!" He bellows coolly.

'H-How conceited!' Both Haru and Tsuna think.

Reborn hits Tsuna with Leon who has transformed into a hammer. "Just now you thought 'How conceited,' didn't you?"

After that, Reborn's repetitive hits let off bangs and booms. This attracts the attention of Yamamoto and Gokudera who come running over together.

"Tenth!" Gokudera hollers. "Are you alright?"

"We heard some noise and rushed over." Yamamoto explains, looking around at all the lights and cameras.

"Ooh!" Haru hums. "Entering the scene side-by-side as always! You two are together a lot, aren't you?"

"More than I'd like to be!" Gokudera shamelessly admits. "But I'm always running into this guy!"

Yamamoto laughs. "If you say it like that, Gokudera, it almost sounds like you dislike me!"

Gokudera's hand balls into a fist. "Maybe that's because I do, dumbass!"

Yamamoto snickers then says, "Right, right!"

Gokudera's cheeks tint pink. "Don't make your agreement sound like you think I'm lying, baseball idiot!"

"You know," Haru starts to say as Tsuna recovers from his massive punishment and Reborn is nowhere to be found. "Probably more than you two," she motions to Gokudera and Yamamoto. "are paired with Tsuna, you're shipped with each other."

Yamamoto blushes a little and rubs the back of his neck. "… paired with Gokudera, eh? … heh heh, how weird."

Gokudera blushes a little and fidgets with his fingers. "…paired with the tenth, huh?"

Yamamoto's grinning face falls. "Hey, you're not thinking the right thing!"

Gokudera suddenly becomes passionate. "To stand by the tenth that way…!" His whole body flares red and he covers his crimson face. "No! It's too much of an honor! I'm not sure I deserve it, but… then again... I'm the only one who does, aren't I? Then… I'll do my best to please you as a lover, Tenth!"

Tsuna swallows and stares at Gokudera blankly. "G-Gokudera-kun…" He stutters. "You're saying weird things again."

"He's such an interesting guy, ha ha." Yamamoto says to Tsuna while Gokudera glares at him.

Tsuna goes to Haru and whispers, "I can't imagine the two of them as a happy couple!" as he observes the pair from afar.

"You're so annoying, baseball idiot!" Gokudera shouts, pulling dynamite from disclosed places on his body.

"Hey now," Yamamoto says. "Calm down. I know, let's go together to get something free to eat at my dad's place, 'kay?"

Gokudera put his bombs away and his eyes cast downward. "O-Okay… but only 'cause it's free!"

Yamamoto pats Gokudera's back. "Heh heh, of course, of course!"

Gokudera only blushes and lets out a barely audible, "Che."

Tsuna's eyes widen a bit. "Oh," he says. "I guess if it's those two, everything will turn out fine for them."

Haru sighs with hearts pumping in her irises. "Aw! How sweet to see a seme calm down his uke by bribing him with free food!"

Tsuna looks at her bewilderedly. "Eh? Seme? Uke?"

Haru tilts her head. "You see, seme and uke are terms regarding the male's position in the relationship. Seme comes from semeru which means to attack. This term is a synonym to tachi. The seme or tachi is usually the dominant one who does the, uh…" She blushes severely. "…_delivering_ in, um, _bedroom_ situations. And the uke, which comes from the phrase ukeru meaning to receive, is most often the more submissive one who, well, _takes the delivery_. The synonym for uke is neko."

"G-gah…" was all Tsuna could mutter.

"Oi, Tenth," Gokudera called out. "We're going to get free sushi, you coming?"

Because of what Haru had told him, images of what Gokudera and Yamamoto's love would look like, swam through his mind…

_"N-No, Yamamoto, we can't!" Gokudera moans while pinned up against a wall by Yamamoto._

_Yamamoto puts his hand to Gokudera's chin and forces the smaller boy to look him in the eyes. "Why not, Gokudera? Of should I say, Hayato?"_

_"A-ah!" Gokudera whines as Yamamoto kisses his cheek. "I'm so embarrassed."_

_"You're so cute, Hayato."_

_"Takeshi…"_

"G-geh…" Tsuna says as he leans against a wall, face turned white. "N-nah, y-you guys go on ahead…"

Gokudera looks to Yamamoto who shrugs. "Alright. See you later, Tenth!" And then the two are off.

Tsuna hopes that with their exit that this stupid "segment" would have to end, but then another unexpected guest appears.

"Hm? Is that Tsuna?" Dino asks with a bright smile, striding onto the stage.

"Ah, hello, Dino-san." Tsuna says, begging that nothing weird could happen with Dino around.

"Eh~" Haru says breathily. "Dino-san is so handsome!"

Dino grins. "Aw, thanks!"

Haru claps her hands together and swoons. "His bright, shining, cheerful attitude for some reason—" Her atmosphere takes a 180. "is often paired with the scary and gloomy Hibari-san! That's why Haru prefers when Dino-san is shipped with happier characters like Tsuna-san!" She goes on ranting while Dino and Tsuna laugh nervously.

"What is she talking about?" Dino asks.

Tsuna shakes his head. "I don't know anymore! Just ignore her!"

Then, mid-speech, Haru stops when she feels a chill run through the studio. All eyes fall on Hibari as he marches onto the stage. "What is this commotion?" He hisses. "I heard my name mentioned. If someone doesn't explain, I'll bite you all to death!"

"Hahi?" Haru exclaims. "The gloomy boy has appeared!"

Dino and Tsuna are shocked by her seemingly fearless blatant statement.

"What did you say?" Hibari growls, charging towards her. "I'll—"

"Hey now, Kyoya." Dino says, grabbing onto Hibari's tonfa and ceasing the boy's attack. "Calm down. I know, let's go spar together somewhere away from here, 'kay? I'm sure you'll get more of a kick out of that than if you beat up this poor girl."

Hibari scoffs. "…Whatever."

Harun swoons once again. "Haru is lucky to be able to see a seme suavely bribe his uke twice in one day! Haru now sees the loveliness in the contrasting warm manliness of Dino with the cold beauty of Hibari-san! She is now a super fan of this pairing! It may even be her OTP!"

"I don't think I want to ask what that means…" Tsuna drawls as he remembers what happened last time he questioned what something meant.

"Oh, Tsuna-san," Haru giggles. "it's nothing bad! It means One—True—Pairing~!"

"Oh, I thought you said OPP."

"Hahi? What's that?"

"Nevermind, let's not get into it. Enough weird stuff is already happening."

"Kufufu!" A voice sounded.

Tsuna trembled. "Dammit." He groaned. "Why'd this guy have to come along?"

Haru crossed her arms. "Of course Mukuro-san would appear at a place where the two guys he's paired with most are—6918 and 6927 are really popular pairings."

Tsuna slants his head and raises an eyebrow. "Eh? Numbers?"

"I want more speaking lines!" Mukuro announced. "So I'll explain this to you, Tsunayoshi. KHR, or Katekyo Hitman Reborn, shorthands take hiragana and katakana from a characters' names and relate them to numbers. Such as Gokudera is represented by 59 because you take the 'Go' which means five and 'ku' which is a way to pronounce 9 and get 59. It's similar to your 27, Tsunayoshi."

"You mean how it comes from the 'Tsu' sounding like the English 'two' and the 7 coming along because of 'na' which is the next character in my given name and the characters that make 'nana' which is Japanese for 7." Tsuna says while looking upward and moving his hands as though it better helps him explain and understand.

"Precisely." Mukuro says. "Mostly everyone has a number. Mine is 69, Haru's is 86, and Hibari Kyoya's is 18."

"What about Dino-san?" Tsuna asked.

"…not all names are so convenient. His shorthand is a 'D.'"

Tsuna frowns. "…That's kind of lame."

"I know, right? Poor guy, having to be a letter amongst numbers."

"Having a nice chat?" Dino grunts, while pushing back a snarling Hibari. "It's getting hard for me and my subordinates to hold Kyoya back!"

"Hm~?" Mukuro sings. "Oh, it's fine. You can let him go."

"Are you sure?" Dino asks.

"Of course—" Mukuro chuckles.

Dino and his subordinates let go of Hibari, the boy surging towards Mukuro. He lifts his tonfa to attack, expecting a rebuttal, but his weapon and his body fall right through his opponent.

"—Because I'm an illusion, that is! Kufufu!"

Hibari trembles with pure rage.

"Hahi?" Haru squeaks. "Why are Mukuro-san and Hibari-san paired together? When they're anywhere near each other the tension could be cut with a knife… and then one of them would probably use the knife to stab the other!"

Mukuro puts a hand to his mouth as he laughs elegantly. "You should see the look on your face, Kyoya. It's utterly amusing!"

Hibari continues to shiver with anger, head hanging low, and veins clear as day.

Tsuna sweats as he watches the scene. "I guess it could be seen as a guy bullying the one he likes…?" He puts his fear the side and wears a look of slight irritation. "But the better question is why would Mukuro and I be paired together?"

"Honestly, Tsuna-san," Haru says with a dark, stern face. "It's an unwritten BL fangirl rule that in a shonen series filled with beautiful boys that if two attractive characters engage in battle, then those two become a pair!"

"What?" Tsuna retorts. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"No, it does!" Haru swears. "For fighting is something men have been doing for ages! It's male bonding! And when to pretty boys duke it out, they are simply bonding! Clashing their hearts and resolutions in the only way they know how for they have yet to learn how to express their feelings in delicate words! How sweet! Yosh! Now Haru is all fired up to write a fanfiction!"

Tsuna's face went blank. "Haru you have both scared and confused me."

"Well, that's it for now, everyone! We made it out alive this time (how unexpected)! Maybe next time we'll talk about BL with some more people, investigating many pairings! Maybe we'll even have a talk with Varia or Millefiore! Who knows? Keep your fingers crossed!"

"Who are you talking to?"

"The readers!"

"Readers?"


	2. Chapter 2: Varia

"Hello, everyone!" Haru says once again dressed in her Haru Haru Interview garb. "Welcome to Haru Haru Dangerous~ BL Investigations! A segment where we delve into the mysteries of Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn pairings: Boy Love Edition! Number Two!"

She bows then smiles brightly. "Haru believes that she and her co-host, Tsuna-san, are very lucky to have made it through the first Investigation safely!"

"Eh?" Tsuna gasps. "Co-host?" He pulls at his hair. "And if we're lucky to make it out the first one alive, why are we doing this again?"

Haru simply smiles on. "This time we'll be talking to Varia!"

"Isn't this more of the dangerous part than investigation at this point?" Tsuna says, exasperated beyond belief despite the program just starting. What an old man.

"Ah, now the author is being rude?" Tsuna gripes, going totally ignored as a voice rumbles through the set, knocking several things down.

"_**Voi!**_" It roars.

As everything is being put back in place, Tsuna groans.

"No, not this loud guy," he grumbles to himself as Squalo storms onto the stage.

"Ah," Haru says happily. "It seems our first guest of today's investigation has arrived! It's Squalo-san!"

"Hey, stupid woman," Squalo shouts. "Why was I invited to this dumb place?"

"We're doing a BL Investigation in Varia!" Haru answers.

"BL?"

"Boy Love!"

"Oh, I think I've seen Lussuria reading some weird comic like that!" He paused in his thinking. "Oi, what does that have anything to do with me?"

Haru puts one of her palms to her cheek. "Squalo-san, did you know that you're often paired with Xanxus-san, Yamamoto-san, and Dino-san?"

"I don't know what you mean by 'paired with,' but if you're talking about my asshole Leader, the brat, and that weakling horse then it'd better be something favorable for me!"

Suddenly a flash of light zips above Squalo's head scorching a few strands of silver hair. His jaw hangs open as he hears a familiar voice behind him growl, "What did you just say about me, trash?"

Squalo turns around to see Xanxus standing with an X Gun in hand, smoke seeping out the barrel.

"L-Leader!" Squalo gawks, backing away from him.

"You wanna repeat what you said earlier?" Xanxus snarls, approaching Squalo with a fierce look on his face.

Squalo begins running away as Xanxus takes aim once more. Haru and Tsuna only watch as Xanxus shoots off several attacks at Squalo who yells out a mixture of compliments to soothe the Leader and insults he can't help but shout due to his pride.

"You know," Haru says to Tsuna. "You'd expect their relationship to be better since Squalo-san is so romantic."

"Romantic?" Tsuna replies, surprised.

"Of course!" Haru blushes. "Not cutting his hair until Xanxus-san achieves his dream." Haru looks to the ceiling with shining eyes. "So sweet! Do you want Haru to do that for you, Tsuna-san?"

"Huh, I really don't think—"

"Oi, what are you doing here, scum?"

Tsuna tenses at the nearby sound of a cocking gun. He trembles as he turns to see Xanxus is now aiming at him. Right before the gun goes off, Tsuna runs, screaming.

"Stay still!" Xanxus bellows, chasing after him. "You're finished."

"Oh no, everyone!" Haru yells. "Perhaps this Investigation has become too dangerous, Haru's precious co-host and future husband might be killed!"

"Haru!" Tsuna hollers from somewhere far off. "Please refrain from – Aah! – saying strange this when – Eek! – I'm being attacked!"

Whether or not Haru hears that is not apparent. She giggles as she says, "While we get some people to help and retrieve Haru's co-host let's introduce our next guest—"

"Leader?" Levi asks as he stumbles onto the stage. "I swore I heard Leader's voice…"

"Hahi?" Haru huffs, stepping away from the tall man. "What are you doing here?"

"What?" Squalo groans as he storms back onstage. "You invited stupid Levi too?" Haru shakes her head frantically.

"Where is Leader?" Levi demands only to be ignored by Squalo which causes Levi to snarl at the shorter man.

"Haru doesn't think you're ever paired with anyone…" Haru says absentmindedly as she stares blankly at Levi.

"Eh?" Levi's eyes widen. He grabs Haru's shoulders. "Not even one…?" He shouts.

"Unless it's crack," Haru answers simply.

Just then, Tsuna walks back to the stage in Hyper Mode, brushing himself off. He takes his place next to Haru as he calmly asks, "Crack?" while the effects of Hyper Mode fade away.

Haru blushes a bit, thinking, 'Tsuna-san just looked really cool for a second' before explaining, "A fanmade piece that classifies as 'crack' means they are purely silly and careless works."

Squalo snickers as Levi stumbles back, stunned.

"Only in silly, careless things…" The dark Varia member mumbles. "Not even with Leader?" He stays in a corner where he sulks about this issue.

Squalo scoffs before looking to Tsuna. "Oi, what happened to that dumbass Leader anyhow?"

Just then a burning heat comes from the side of the set. Tsuna quickly returns to Hyper Mode.

"I had held him back using the first edition of the Zero Point Breakthrough," Tsuna says. "But it seems he's escaped from it now."

Xanxus's nose flares and fists clench. He glares daggers at Squalo. "You dare say more shit about me, trash?"

"Crap," Squalo mutters before dashing off in the opposite direction followed by Tsuna who is chased by Xanxus with Levi running after the Varia Leader loyally.

Haru blinks as the mass of males goes by then beams a bright smile. "Now, as Haru was saying before, our next guest is—"

"Ushishi," a laugh erupts from the blackness around the set.

"Another uninvited person?" Haru cries out.

"Hey, now," Belphegor says as he strides onto the stage, Mammon floating behind him. "What's a party without a prince?"

"I better be paid for making an appearance," Mammon complains.

"This isn't a party!" Haru retorts. She carefully looks at Bel. "Oh, you're the boy often paired up with a male named Fran."

"Fran?" Bel retorts. "Who's that?"

Not quite sure herself, Haru ignores that question and moves on. "You're also coupled with Squalo-san—"

Squalo's shock from hearing this causes him to trip over his own hair and fall to the ground. Tsuna then trips over Squalo's unconscious body and tumbles to the ground which shocks Xanxus who suddenly stops. The clumsy and not-so-quick Levi doesn't stop his feet in time and he topples onto his Leader, knocking them both out.

"—and Mammon-chan."

Bel sticks out his tongue. "Gross, Squ-senpai wouldn't be any fun, only focused on himself when he should be praising me." He then pats Mammon's big head. "And this kid's only a baby. I'm no pervert. Just what kind of ideas of me do you have, lady?" He pulls out a knife.

"None!" Haru exclaims, shaking her head.

Bel smirks proudly then goes off to poke at the KO'd bodies and Mammon goes off to search their pockets for money.

Haru sighs, "This wasn't very successful in any way! Varia's violent nature seems like it'd make it hard to ship them at all!"

"On the contrary, girl!" A familiarly feminine voice calls out.

"Hahi!" Haru squeals excitedly. "It's the guest I've been trying to introduce all along. The one who appears to be a BL connoisseur, Lussuria-nee-san!"

"Hi!" Lussuria shrieks as he struts onstage before blowing a kiss. "It's me! The Mama of Varia is here to clean up the mess the boys have made!"

"Lussuria-san," Haru whines. "Everything's gone terribly! I can't find anything out because everyone's fighting!"

"Silly girl," Lussuria laughs. "That's why I'm here to tell you everything you want to know." He pulls out a table, two chairs, and two cups of tea.

"Thanks so much, Lussuria-san!" She says before sitting down across from Lussuria and taking a sip from her cup. "So, first question," Wait, hasn't this become more of an interview than an Investigation? "Which member is most popular for BL pair pairings?"

"Squalo, of course!" Lussuria replies. He leans in and whispers, "Because he's pretty and him and Leader can't keep their hands off each other."

Haru blushes a bit at this. "But isn't that 'cause they fight so much?"

Lussuria calmly sips his tea. "Probably just an excuse."

Haru lets her imagination go…

_Xanxus slams Squalo down onto the bed. _

"_L-Leader…" the weak and vulnerable Squalo whimpers as he looks up at Xanxus.  
Xanxus's fingers intertwine with Squalo's. "I'm not hurting you too badly, am I?"_

"_No," Squalo breathes, face hot and red. "But we have to keep pretending to hate each other or someone might catch on to our love affair!"_

_Xanxus presses his lips against Squalo's in a ferocious kiss. _

_When he pulls away, Squalo can do nothing more than murmur the other man's name.  
"I don't care if anyone knows anymore!" Xanxus pounces. "I can't control myself! Let your cries of pleasure ring throughout headquarters!"_

"_Oh, Leader!"_

"_Squalo!"_

Drool leaks down from Haru's mouth. "How forbidden! How passionate!"

Lussuria chuckles. "Yes, isn't the Leader's masculinity a perfect match-up for Squalo's beauty?"

"Definitely!" Haru agrees. "Though I think Squalo-san also goes well with Dino-san."

"Ah, the charm of love sprouting from childhood friendship!"

"Can't you just picture them as boys, chasing after each other at the beach, enjoying their energetic youths?"

"Or experimenting together as young men, questioning their newfound lustful feelings?"

"I think you have a dirtier mind, Lussuria-san," Haru giggles.

"Oh yeah," Lussuria says. He leans in again and begins whispering. "You should also know that Belphegor and Mammon still sleep in the same bed together occasionally and even take baths together since no matter how you look at it, Mammon is a baby. And when Fran comes in, it's rumored that Bel has Fran substitute for Mammon even when it comes to these things."

"Wow, Lussuria-san!" Haru says, admiration shining in her eyes. "You know about BL that hasn't even happened yet."

Lussuria smiles and takes another sip of his tea as Squalo, Tsuna, Levi, and (Oh dear god) Xanxus all come to.

"Someone…" Xanxus hisses making shivers go down everyone's spines (except for Lussuria and Haru who are well away from the chaos, having a delightful conversation while pleasantly drinking hot beverages). "Is going to die!" He bellows, flames igniting powerfully.

Explosions and yelps ensue as Haru asks more questions though, eventually, Lussuria was just spouting off rumors.

"It's said that Dino and Squalo just went on a vacation together. Suspicious, ne?

Bel and Mammon constantly go off by themselves. Don't you think it's a bit cruel to leave the rest of us out of whatever it is they're doing?

It's pretty clear that Levi just straight up wants Leader, he doesn't even hide it, I mean, seriously, come on.

Actually, I don't think our leader cares about the sex of his partners. If it has a hole, he'll fu—"

"Alrighty then, Lussuria-san!" Haru laughs nervously, face flushed a deep red. "That's enough for today! I've learned more secrets about Varia than I've ever expected to know!"

Overhearing this, Xanxus's eyes flash as he pauses mid-attack during the outrageous brawl that had broken out. He glowers at Lussuria.

Lussuria bristles under this look then quickly waves good-bye. "It seems our leader suspects I've leaked out important information judging by that glare he's sending me. I'll have to explain everything to him later after he's calmed down! Toodles!" He blows another kiss before sprinting off.

"Come back here, dammit!" Xanxus roars as he begins his hunt.

"Wait for me, Leader!" Levi cries, chasing after Xanxus.

"That looks like it should be interesting. Ushishi…" Bel snickers following the uproar with Mammon on his shoulder. After they had disappeared from the set, Squalo has a revelation.

"Mammon, you bastard! Give me back my wallet! Voi!"

On that note, Varia is gone in a single wave of calamity.

Haru blinks as she sits in the sudden rush of silence that overtakes the set. Then, dragging his feet, Tsuna stumbles next to Haru, huffing and panting. He tries to say something, but collapses instead. Haru pokes him twice and after she gets a twitch in reply she blurts out, "Well, that's it for today's Investigation! We were super extra lucky this time! Maybe next episode we'll observe some BL moments (that would make us super extra mega bonus lucky, right~?) and talk to more characters! Until then!"

Haru picks up the hand of lifeless Tsuna and waves it for him as she waves bye-bye!


	3. Chapter 3: Moe

"Hello, everyone!" Haru says. "Welcome to Haru Haru Dangerous~ BL Investigations! A segment where we delve into the mysteries of Katekyouishi Hitman Reborn pairings: Boy Love Edition! Number Three!" She shakes with anticipation. "Haru is super excited today because we're going deep into the world of fandom. It's definite that Haru will see some cute things!"

"Haru," Tsuna, the crybaby, whines from offstage. "Why am I wearing cat ears and how come the author keeps breaking the fourth wall?" Tsuna's so stupid. If anyone's breaking the fourth wall, it's him, right? He grumbles something under his breath.

"You see, Tsuna-san," Haru begins. "Today we're going to study all things moe within the series…" she giggles. "Or at least as far as bishounen are concerned."

"Bishonen? Another strange word…" Tsuna notes, tugging at the ears sticking out his hair.

"You spelled it differently! No matter. Bishōnen literally means beautiful youth. It's used to refer to a pretty boy," She sighs happily. "And this series just so happens to be filled with bishies." That's all the spellings.

"Oh, you also said another weird thing earlier," Tsuna remembers, tail swaying back and forth. "Wah! I have a tail too?"

"Yes, that's very moe, Tsuna-san!" Haru tells him gleefully. "Good job!"

"That! What does that mean?" Tsuna asks.

"Moe?" Haru replies. She bites her bottom lip in thought. "Well, it's kind of hard to explain. As a feeling, it's when you are protective of a cute character. Applying to characters, it's someone adorable with big eyes, bangs, and basically they're pretty helpless."

Tsuna was taken aback. "That's what you think I am?" He gripes.

"Well think about it, Tsuna-san, you practically embody everything moe. I could really picture you in a scene like this:"

_Catboy Tsuna stumbles out his room in nothing more than an oversized sleeved collared shirt. He trips over nothing and tumbles to the ground. With one tear daring to leak out the side of his eye, the young boy sits up and sticks out his tongue. _

"_Oops, silly me nya!" He remarks cutely, ears and tail twitching. _

"It's the ultimate moe," Haru says with a straight face.

Tsuna leans against a corner, clouds of depression suffocating his atmosphere.

"Haru…" he groans without having any idea of what to say next.

Haru pats him on the shoulder. "Cheer up, Tsuna-san! You're not the only one with super moe potential!" She grabs his hand. "Here comes the investigation! We're going to Yamamoto-san's house!"

A transition then takes place. Like a wipe, dissolve, or cut. I don't know. You choose.

Haru sits around a table with Yamamoto, Gokudera, and Tsuna.

"To bring you up to date, readers," Haru says much to the annoyance of Gokudera. "Tsuna-san and I went to spy on Yamamoto-san and Gokudera-kun, but we were very quickly spotted, so we have now been invited to join them on their date."

"You were not invited!" Gokudera yells, pointing at Haru. His face then flared red. "And this isn't a date, dumb girl!"

"Yeah, Haru," Yamamoto says. "We were just hanging out like we always do."

"We don't hang out, you stalk me!"

"Oh, come on, Gokudera, why can't you just admit you like me?"

"Wha-what?" Gokudera's heart beats a bit faster, blushes worse than ever, and his eyes widen.

Smiling at this charming Gokudera, Yamamoto cheerfully says, "You know you consider me your friend!"  
Gokudera growls as he punches Yamamoto right in the face. "You idiot! Be clearer when saying stuff like that!"

Haru claps. "This is great!" She says. "Not Yamamoto-san getting punched, of course, but Gokudera-kun is really showing off his Tsundere skills right now. Very lovely~"

"What are you talking about, dumb girl?" Gokudera snaps.

"Tsundere: It comes from a combination of the sound effects Tsun Tsun, 'to turn away in disgust,' and Dere Dere or 'to become lovey-dovey,'" Haru explains. "Tsundere characters are cold at first, but are eventually warm up around the ones they love."

Haru goes all Vanna White on us and moves her hand in a motion as though presenting Gokudera to Yamamoto and Tsuna. "Gokudera-kun is a perfect example of this!"

Gokudera scoffs, "You're crazy!"

"You know, Haru," Tsuna says slowly. "I think you're right." He smiles. "Gokudera-kun can act like a loner sometimes, but I think he really cherishes friendship in the end."

Gokudera's face flushes once more and he quietly mutters, "If the tenth says so, then I agree…"

Haru tries to contain herself but can't help shouting, "So cute! Perfect moe, Gokudera-kun! Absolutely perfect!"

"Shut up!"

"It was so sweet! I hope to see more sweet scenes form you!"

"I said shut it!"

As Haru and Gokudera bickered with Yamamoto trying to calm them down, a knock came to the door. Seeing as how his friends were so caught up with their argument, Tsuna took it upon himself to answer the door.

"Hiya, Tsuna!" It is Dino and standing behind him is Hibari.

"Dino-san!" Tsuna calls out. "What are you doing here?"

"Haru said I should meet you guys here. This guy," He points to Hibari. "Won't stop bothering me about fighting."

"Come in then, I guess," Tsuna says and Dino does so, but Hibari remains where he's at. "You can come too if you really want to I guess…"

Hibari turns away. "There's no way I'm crowding with you herbivores." He glares at Tsuna from over his shoulder. "You don't think I would want to, do you?"

"Eh!" Tsuna gasps. "N-No! S-sorry!"

Dino chuckles and leans against the doorway. "Aw, don't be like that, Kyoya. If you come in, then I'll spar with you later."

Hibari stays in place.

"How about," Dino starts. "After we spar, I'll even take you out for hamburgers."

Hibari's cheeks tint pink and he huffs. "I won't crowd with you herbivores, but you can still buy me hamburger later, Cavallone." And with that, Hibari is gone.

Dino laughs, "Such a cute kid."

"Such a tsundere!" Haru corrects, popping up behind Dino. "Another prime example."

"Eh!" Tsuna shrieks. "Haru when did you get over here."

"My fujoshi senses were tingling," Haru admits. "I could tell a beautiful bishie pairing was nearby."

"Are you going to explain fujoshi now too?" Tsuna asks expectantly.

"Wasn't going to, but now I will!" Haru exclaims. "Fujoshi or literally 'rotten girl!' It's basically a female BL fangirl. It's actually not really a good thing to be called, but sometimes you must take pride in what you are." Haru's eye glint with a certain doggedness. "So you must accept…"

She points to Tsuna. "That you are super moe!"

She points Gokudera who snarls at her. "That you are totally Tsundere!"

She points to Yamamoto who simply beams back at her brightly. "And you are so shotacon!"

"Shotacon?" Yamamoto, Tsuna, Gokudera, and Dino all ask at once.

Another transition.

Everyone is now sitting around the table with tea in their hands, prepared to hear Haru's description of Shotacon.

"I'm sure that you're all aware of what Lolicon, which involves young girls. Shotacon is the opposite, being centered on young boys who are ideally innocent, cute, and vulnerable," Haru says seriously. "Yamamoto-san is textbook shota material! The young haircut, the guiltless grin, naïve kindness, and child-like love for sports!" Her eyes sparkle as she pictures Yamamoto showcasing all these traits against a shimmering background. She's… kind of crazy like that. "So utterly faultless! I love it!"

Yamamoto raises an eyebrow. "I… don't get it."

Dino ruffles the kid's hair. "And that's probably for the best," he sighs.

"If you look at Yamamoto with the older Dino-san," Haru begins. "You can really see the appeal. That's why I asked him to come over. I mean, just imagine something like this:"

Tsuna wanted to stop the cutaway to some weird Haru fantasy, but there was no getting in the way of the power of Imagination!

_Yamamoto sits on the ground, grasping at his bleeding knee, just on the verge of crying. _

_Dino approaches and leans down. "What happened?" He asks with a gentle smile. _

_Yamamoto sniffles as he grumpily says, "I… I tripped… and hurt my knee." He then looks up at Dino with big, pleading eyes. _

_Dino snickers a bit before pulling out a bandage and placing it over the injury then kisses the Band-aid. "It's alright. It'll be all better now, see?"_

_Yamamoto wipes his tears away and proceeds to hug the older man. "Thanks so much, Dino-san!"_

While the other three males stare at Haru, clearly disturbed, Yamamoto laughs.

"Of course Dino-san would do something like that for me," Yamamoto says. "He's nice and he's my friend. I don't get why that's weird."

Gokudera grabs Yamamoto by the collar. "You don't think it's weird that he kisses it?"

Yamamoto thinks for a second then says, "I guess that is a bit strange, but my Mom used to do that for me so it can't be too odd, right?"

Gokudera clenches his teeth in frustration. Tsuna then attempts at calming him down as Dino strokes Yamamoto's head (the one on his neck, you perverts!) and calls the boy 'cute.'

"Kufufu," the familiar laugh rings throughout the house.

"You told him to come here too, Haru?" Tsuna asks.

"No way!" Haru says. "I don't even know how to get in contact with Mukuro-san…"

"But isn't this a good chance to show off my moe?" Mukuro suggests as he sits at the table, sipping a cup of tea. Everyone jumps out their seats.

"Hahi!" "Eh!" "Whoa!" "The hell?" A slip, a fall. "Ouch…" (Can you guess who said what?)

"Oh, calm down, you've never seen someone appearify* before?" Mukuro questions casually. "And Cavallone, get yourself off the floor," He smiles brightly as he states, "You look like an idiot."

As they all cautiously sit back at the table Haru notes, "This is it."

"What is?" Tsuna asks.

"The most dangerous moe of all…"

_There are dangerous moe? _Dino, Yamamoto, Gokudera and Tsuna simultaneously think.

"…the Yandere."

The other five characters then look at Mukuro and wait to see what he does next.

"Yes," he says, setting down his cup. "It is true. I'm pretty yandere: a combination of yanderu the word for 'mental or emotional illness' and the earlier mentioned Dere Dere. Yandere are sort of the opposite of tsundere…" he elucidates harmlessly enough. "They appear warm and loving, but…"

Gokudera leans over to Yamamoto and murmurs, "Can't he hurry up and get to the point?"

Something in Mukuro's eyes flash with anger. An illusion of a snake materializes before Gokudera and hisses loudly at him, shocking the boy and sending him backward to the ground.

"…If you piss a yandere off, they'll snap, showing their cold side." All the while, he remains grinning.

Haru nods. "Yandere are the type to do something like this:"

_Hibari sits in Mukuro's lap, both dressed in kimono as they watch far off fireworks. Mukuro's arms are wrapped around Hibari's waist. _

"_I really care about you, Kyoya," He says gently. "Tell me you care about me too." _

"_No," Hibari responds stubbornly. It's the tsundere in him. _

_Then Mukuro whispers, "But if I can't have you," With the light of a firework cracking against the darkness of night, Hibari can see the sick smirk that has broken across Mukuro's face. "Nobody can!" A scream within the dusk, mist leaking over the old house where silence fell for eternity since Hibari Kyoya was never seen again. Some say that if you ever watch fireworks from that house, you'll hear the scream and see a bodiless smile before you disappear forever. _

Mukuro cackles after telling the story, making the other kids shiver and leaving Dino slightly unaffected (he was just trying to look cool, the story creeped him out too).

"Mukuro-san!" Haru protests. "You ruined it! It was going to be totally different when it was **my** vision! You turned it into a scary story!"

"I bet my version was a lot more interesting than whatever you would have conjured up," Mukuro says. "And it stays true to the yandere character."

"That type _is_ dangerous," Tsuna remarks. "I'm glad Mukuro is the only one."

"Correction, Tsunayoshi!" Mukuro says, pointing a finger into the air. "Later on, Byakuran proves to be quite the yandere as well. That bastard tries to make himself appear endearing and pure by having an obsession with marshmallows when in reality all he can think about is power and destruction!" Mukuro pauses. "It's pretty attractive actually. Don't you all think so?"

_You only think that because you're the same way! _Everyone thought, but they decided it was safest to lie and agree that yes, deceit was pretty alluring.

"Mukuro-san!" "Mukuro-sama!"

Ken and Chikusa then burst inside, sweat dripping from their faces.

"We've been looking for you everywhere byon!" Ken says, near crying.

Chikusa says nothing, merely pushes his glasses higher on his nose.

"No way," Haru stutters with delight.

"Kufufu," Mukuro laughs. "I thought you might like them. Very moe, right?"

Haru gulped. "A nekomimi tsundere and a perfect megane… No way…"

"Uh…" Tsuna says. "Why is Haru all dazed like that?"

Mukuro chuckles. "You see, Tsunayoshi, my crew is just super moe in comparison to yours. Our tsundere is also a nekomimi of sorts. Nekomimi literally meaning 'cat ears,' but when applied to characters it means they take on catlike traits. A running gag about neko are that they end their sentences with 'nya.' Our Ken not only takes on animal-like characteristics, but also cutely ends his sentences with 'byon.'" Mukuro glances at Tsuna up and down. "And he's a real nekomimi unlike your imitation."

Tsuna pulls at the fake tail and ears. "I don't know why I'm even wearing this!"

"And don't insult the Tenth, Mukuro!" Gokudera hollers. "We'll show you just how moe we can get!"

Tsuna's jaw drops. _Wait, since when was this a competition?_

"Oh?" Mukuro snidely says. "Can you really compete with Chikusa, our perfect megane? Megane, of course, meaning a glasses wearing character. Megane often take the role as the 'iincho' or class president and are charismatic, yet bossy, a part perfect for Chikusa!"

"Glasses?" Gokudera repeats, gears clicking in his head. _Then… then I can do this! _He whips out his glasses and ties back his hair. "How do you like this? Perfect moe! A tsundere-megane combo!"

"Tch," Mukuro grumbles. "We'll just see about that comeback! Haru! Start a scenario now! The setting will be a classroom."

"Right!" Haru complies, nodding. "I'll start right away!" Then she daydreams…

_Chikusa stands at the head of the classroom behind a podium as the Class Representative with Gokudera, the second Class Rep, standing nearby in his 'megane' form (hair tied and glasses on). They had just gotten done going over plans for the cultural festival, which Gokudera had a hard time listening to since he was busy staring at the baseball star, Yamamoto Takeshi whose young vibrancy radiates so flawlessly… it really awes Gokudera and pisses him off. Meanwhile, Chikusa is being distracted by one lazy kitty's nap at the back of the class. He can't stand the way Ken is so loose with school rules. It ruins order. _

"_Ken," Chikusa says firmly enough to awaken the sleeping troublemaker. "I will have to ask you not to sleep through important information."_

_Ken yawns and stretches out his limbs, ears flattening against his head during. "Whatever byon~" No one can deny his moe. Chikusa gives in and lets him do whatever for just a bit longer._

_During lunch, Gokudera heads to the roof and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He smokes, trying to calm himself of his thoughts of both unrequited love and the stress of being a high school student. _

_The door to the roof opens. "Gokudera-san," It's Chikusa. "I must demand that you not smoke on school grounds." _

_Gokudera groans and puts the cigarette out. "Fine." _

"_We should be heading back now."_

"_I hate being second Class Rep! This sucks." _

"…"

"See!" Mukuro says. "He's a horrible 'iincho' character. Too much Tsun Tsun and not enough megane."

"No way," Gokudera says. "I can't lose like this!"

"What exactly are you losing?" Dino asks.

"Shut up!"

"Wait!" Haru barks. "Something's happening to this fantasy!"

"Something's happening?" Yamamoto asks as all gather around to see what happens next.

_The classroom once again resumes order. The class reps are seated now, Chikusa watching Ken closely and Gokudera unable to take his eyes off Yamamoto. _

_The teacher, an oyaji persona (old man) named Shamal, then introduces a new student. _

_A new megane: Irie Shouichi! _

"No fair!" Gokudera declares.

"A new competitor?" Mukuro gasps.

"_Uh…" Shouichi stutters as he stands in front of the class, face burning red and eyelids fluttering with innocence and a youthful awkwardness. "My name is Irie Shouichi. Please take care of me!" He says before bowing with his eyes clenched shut. _

Haru's fists shake with passion. "He's the one! Best megane! The discomfiture in his words and stance! The implied inept weakness! The big glasses! He's the most moe megane for sure!"

"Damn!" Mukuro and Gokudera curse.

"You look good in glasses though, Gokudera," Yamamoto says.

"Yuck, I hate these things," Gokudera replies, pocketing the spectacles. "I only use them when I really have to."

"Should I ask what's going on?" Chikusa questions unsurely.

"No," is Dino and Tsuna's fast response.

"I think I've covered everything moe then!" Haru says, satisfied. "All this has been so refreshing like watermelon on an extremely hot summer's day."

"Extreme?" They hear from afar. Then hard, racing footsteps. Someone comes crashing into the house. A dust is lifted, masking the person's identity. Everyone silently waits for it to clear.

It's… Ryohei!

"Onii-san!" "Lawnhead!" "Senpai!"

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Tsuna inquires, afraid that he might be some type of moe and therefore, invited there by Haru.

"I was passing by when I heard the word 'extreme!'" Ryohei clarifies.

Tsuna breathes out relief.

"Get him out!" Haru suddenly roars. "This bara-style guy totally contradicts all the moe in here!"

"Bara?" All ask except for Haru and Mukuro who seems to be oddly educated with these things.

"It's a—" The two experts start. They stop after realizing that the other had been talking. A few moments of silence then Mukuro says, "You can take this one, Haru."

"Thank you." Haru bows before moving on. "Bara is a genre of gay comic written for men by men. It often features hairy or muscular masculine guys. As a fujoshi, I cannot personally see the appeal in two bears going at it, but to each their own." She swoons at the reverie in her mind. "I'll stick to my bishies for now. Maybe later I'll develop a taste for that kind of thing though."

"I'm confused to the extreme!" Ryohei bellows.

"Not nearly as much as me," Tsuna swears.

"Well, I'll be off then. The moe levels in here have decreased severely," Mukuro laughs before leaving, Ken and Chikusa in tow.

"Mukuro-san, wait for us byon!" "Mukuro-sama…"

"This has been weird, but I've got to get going n—" Dino trips on his way out the door. He does his best to recover, so that his cool factor doesn't go down. As soon as he leaves those still inside could hear:

"What happened to taking me out for hamburgers?"

"Ah, Kyoya, it went on longer than expected you know. Heh heh."

"I'll bite you to death for breaking a promise."

"It was a promise…? I know! We can go now, how about that?"

"…Alright. I pick the place of course."

"Of course!"

Hearing this made Yamamoto snigger and Ryohei raise an eyebrow.

"I'm going to leave too," Tsuna states, staggering towards the door. "I need some sleep."

"I'm going with the Tenth," Gokudera says, rushing to his side.

"Alright, see you guys later," Yamamoto calls out as they head out the door. He then looks to Ryohei and Haru. A pause. "You guys want to play video games?"

"Sure!" "Yeah!"

They then walk off to go start an epic video-gaming experience when Tsuna darts back inside.

"Wait, Haru how do I get this stupid tail and these ears off! Haru!"

* * *

***I've been reading too much Homestuck. =P**

**I'm not sure how there could be any more of these. Should I stop? xD**


End file.
